Whose fault is this? Why it occurs? How it captures the mind? And many more questions.
Does anybody anyone question about it?
Ya it’s not a Cancer but it’s not less than that. OCD comes silently. Very silently. Shhhhh….. Pin drop silence inside the mind. But outside, outside; Chaos of every kind. Suffering of every kind. Tension of every kind. Failure, failure; in studies, in communication, in self presentation, in exploring yourself, exploring life, failure in love life, failure in looking good, failure in curricular activities. Disappointment of self, disappointment of parents. Harsh words just play in repeat mode inside the mind.
Earthquake, tsunami, low pressure, high pressure, tornado ; every kind of hazardous things just taken place inside your mind. The whirlwind of intrusive thoughts never let you be calm. The magma of obsessive thought drowns you deeper. You only get suffocated. Every ounce of your heart get choked. With every beat of heart you crave for peace. And peace just play different kinds of game with you to come you. Like a druggist searches for drugs. You search for peace. You search for sleep. But sleep, sleep slaps on your face and bid farewell to you.
Somehow if you get sleep the venomous dreams won’t let you sleep peacefully. If you want to read good books, the poisonous thought toxicate everything. Cyclone super cyclone of thoughts shake you terrible.
You shiver…
You quiver…
You yell
Loud…..
Louder…..
For someone come and save you.
Something inside you killing you badly. Something inside you stabbing you badly. But you’re unable to find out. You’re unable to find out the reason behind reasons. The question among questions. Again confusion. What is the question? What is the answer? And why is the question?
After asking enormous questions to self , after getting lots of answers yet you don’t get the answer. You just suffer
Just suffer
Just suffer
But the puzzled mind never stops thinking. We can say in a different way, thoughts never let mind to be stopped.
(It’s just a kind request to everyone, whenever you see anyone with OCD, just pat him/her and say them; It’s just a disease. And lend them a hand to stand up and move on.)
Someday someone will come and hold you without holding you. Someone will enjoy the fluttering of butterflies the way you enjoyed before. He will crave for your presence. Will crave for your little smile. A normal line of tension on your face make him so tensed. Will enjoy your immature behavior. Mark the way you talk, the way you drive. Will feel nervous to have convo with you. But when that happen he will be the super happier. Will take care of your nervousness too.
Your smiles have impact on him, your tears also. In fact your giggles and sobs too. He will take care of your little to little necessities also worthless demands too. Someday someone will wish you in his life. Someday you’ll be someone’s prayer. Your good health will be 1st priority of someone except your mother. Except your family you Will be someone’s reason of life.
He will just come and hug your soul that comfortably, your sorrows, heart break, pains, ifs and buts, bunch of question marks will be melted down. He will introduce you to the hidden you inside you. He will teach you to love yourself again. Without your permission he will take you to the land free from fear negativities unnecessary thoughts. Without your permission he will be a part of your everything, every emotions. Your aches will be eradicated your fears too. Only bliss will be all around your, with someone for whom you’re a pure form of blessings.
Yes he will come unexpectedly as an answer of the most expected question of your life and settled down with your life till eternity.
Have you ever marked your eyes? Have you ever marked how remarkably deep they are? How charming and attractive they are? How soothing and loud they are?
Loads of stories are hidden there Lots of memories were captured In fact they capture with every passing moments
Plenty of emotions Numerous code words Millions signs Trillions voices Are hidden behind small small winks.
If it’s possible Hold the tears: jewels of eyes To express themselves for worthy people and worthy emotions And Yes Unworthy one never deserved them. . . o(〃＾▽＾〃)o
On my 1st date, while I sat alone in the CCD, as my blind date get cancelled on the spot, I found something written on the table. I know it is offensive but those words are something like,”why life sometimes seems like burden?”. I don’t know, though I know it’s wrong, I wrote down,”cause, our needs are few. And our wants are many.”
Then I left the CCD with a pale face and pale Hopes.
As that CCD is my fav, I always used to go there to celebrate my victories and also to cry on my failures. That’s why I chose that one for my blind date. Cause where and there in my introvert Life that CCD is a medium to be extroverted. I am so used to that CCD, that’s cappuccino, that’s smoky smells and with that any kind of geopolitics book. Yeah where and there after being a little writer I have a big eagerness to know about the political world around me and my world. That’s why according to all I am different from other girls. Yeah ofcourse I am different. My genes are different. My physics is. My chemistry is. Though there are 7 faces alike in the world, yet I am different from my point of view, from my way of analysing things, from my way of judgement, from my choice of outlook, from my choice of guys, from my choice of personality. Yes I differ from other girls as where they choose make up,looks, I choose intellect, words and thoughts to be processed. I was happy with my aloneness,but where and there at some point, that aloneness started judging me too. So I tried blind date. But that one also judged me before dating me and I get dumped before. My bad luck.
Whatever…..
After that day, I came there another day. And the owner passed me a bill of some penalty money through receptionist as I wrote on the table. After all it was my fault. So I paid. The receptionist also delivered a letter with the penalty receipt. I took both of them and sat down on my sit by giving my usual order. And opened the letter. After reading this, I got that it was of that bench person. The Letter was, “then what should we do to make Life light?”. I replied,”Take interest in everything with less attached. I mean EXPECT less.” Then I delivered it to the receptionist and left the CCD.
Sometimes you get so upset with your life, that you failed to give attention to your atmosphere. And that was Happening with me those days. So I didn’t give attention to the penalty, to the receipt, to the letter and also forgot to ask the receptionist, about the letter.
Another day, I came to the CCD and sat on my fav window sit with regression for life. Cause I was bored with my situation, day-to-day same life, same lifestyle, same Boss, same colleagues, and yes same passions. That time I was needed some excitement in my life. Some newness. But I was so confused about what kind of excitement will change my life from frustrating one to entertaining one. At that very moment my eyes fell on the table, where something written down on the tissue.
Those were like, ” In the noise of life, I fear to be a noise. But I just wanted to be a symphony to be memorable for forever. So, for being someone’s favourite, does it need to change myself ? I mean if I don’t change myself, then what should be I am? A noise or a symphony ?”
I replied with another tissue,” if you try to change another one then you are noise. But if you are trying to accept the front person without changing them, then you’re the sweetest symphony an orchestra ever have .”
I left the tissue there. And CCD too.
But I realised I have left my clutch on the sit of the CCD. While I returned, I saw a person took the tissue and move ahead.
I was so astonished by this incident and followed him. But strangely he disappeared from my vision.
My excitement reached its pick.
I used to come to the CCD twice a week. But those times I came daily. And on daily basis I got letters like that and after giving answers I always get failed to get the person.
But through this an attachment get developed between two of us. With excitement it was thrilling too. Cause I don’t know who was he. How was he. But a basic idea was built in my mind that he was kind of me. Little introvert and little extrovert.
And that day on the reception, receptionist gave letter, ” does every flower bloom silently and falls away silently ?”
I got really really confused by this. And replied with a rose, “I don’t know about other flowers, but this rose needs it’s destination.”
After giving that I got comfortable on my window sit. With my fav order, I mean cappuccino my fav book “prisoners of geography” with a bucket of roses brought by someone with simple white shirt and blue jeans. All the staffs of the CCD and other customers were stood up with loads of excitement in their eyes.
It took a moment to understand me that this white shirt one is the letter man as well as the owner of the CCD with a common my type heart.
Fortunately that day was rose day; 1st day of valentine week. And with every increasing day my blind date got it’s true valentine for life.
Why love is now all about Undressing the person Why it’s not about Undress the mask
Why romance is all about the entwinning of body Why now there’s lack of romance between souls Why the right over each other is now exhausting
Why now feelings are suffocating Why emotions are these days are burden Why controlling each other is now the love definition
Why there’s trust issues Why there’s ego problem Why there’s lack of peace With a structured frame Why there’s the need proofs And trust faith Are there just like spoofs
Why being physical is the new definition of Love Why emotional attachment Trust values feelings respect Are just for name?
As long as I think someone will come and grab me from the clutches of all the negativities, of the darkness… A scenario of avoidance popped up on my mind. And suddenly I started panicking, I started trembling; trembling with fears. I started sweating, started murmuring. Such moments are no more than a battle; a battle with myself. In such period no one get a certain knowledge about my conditions my behaviors at all.
Then I decided, I have to choose me, I have to be choosy. And it’s okay to be little selfish for your own happiness. It’s okay to be crazy like hell. It’s okay to be little childish. It’s okay to do your heart. Then a certain little cute smile drawn on my lips.
And I got my rainbow after the storm.
Ya, these days such things are so normal for me. But still I fear. Still I believe that I can overcome. I can chase the rainbow and preserve it in my life forever and ever.
It’s okay. It’s okay if someone is still in top of your priority list. Sometimes some people come and take a little part of your heart so silently and make it their permanent residence without any paperwork without your knowledge. And you have no other ways rather than feel the feelings.
With certain differences with lots of ifs and buts with little little fear your step get forward with such anonymous butterflies. You just want to fly. You just want to enjoy such feelings. But deep down you feared, feared so much. Still you just get tuned with the new musical vibes. You started enjoying lyrics and their meaning. Suddenly every love story seems like yours. Still you want a different touch in it. Ample amount of mini heart attacks when that someone passes you or by mistake encounters you, such tiny tiny unknowns feelings when by mistake looks get exchanged takes you to a unimaginable fairyland. Where without your knowledge, you just want to get lost in such world, but still fear is it right or not.
Then with lots of hopes, lots of courage, you just get yourself expressed in front of that one. Before you make yourself understand for any kind of answer. But when something despite your expectations come. Specially the silence, you just hang up between everything. Between your expectations, your heart attacks and heart aches your painful smiles and happy tears. You just lose your every ideas about certain aspects. You just hang up between moving forward in this direction or that. Suddenly it seems like your way is now seized and ended. Still you try. But back to back silence brakes you and breaks you.
Still you can’t get over the butterflies when you look at that one’s profile picture. Still you can’t listen bad about them, but it’s okay if you’re scolding. Still you get such unknown anonymous painful smiles and happy tears.
Darling it’s okay, sometimes such people come to make you realize that you can love so deeply so intensely so passionately. Don’t you think this time it’s needed to give such enormous love to yourself??
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