As long as I think someone will come and grab me from the clutches of all the negativities, of the darkness… A scenario of avoidance popped up on my mind. And suddenly I started panicking, I started trembling; trembling with fears. I started sweating, started murmuring. Such moments are no more than a battle; a battle with myself. In such period no one get a certain knowledge about my conditions my behaviors at all.
Then I decided, I have to choose me, I have to be choosy. And it’s okay to be little selfish for your own happiness. It’s okay to be crazy like hell. It’s okay to be little childish. It’s okay to do your heart. Then a certain little cute smile drawn on my lips.
And I got my rainbow after the storm.
Ya, these days such things are so normal for me. But still I fear. Still I believe that I can overcome. I can chase the rainbow and preserve it in my life forever and ever.
It’s okay. It’s okay if someone is still in top of your priority list. Sometimes some people come and take a little part of your heart so silently and make it their permanent residence without any paperwork without your knowledge. And you have no other ways rather than feel the feelings.
With certain differences with lots of ifs and buts with little little fear your step get forward with such anonymous butterflies. You just want to fly. You just want to enjoy such feelings. But deep down you feared, feared so much. Still you just get tuned with the new musical vibes. You started enjoying lyrics and their meaning. Suddenly every love story seems like yours. Still you want a different touch in it. Ample amount of mini heart attacks when that someone passes you or by mistake encounters you, such tiny tiny unknowns feelings when by mistake looks get exchanged takes you to a unimaginable fairyland. Where without your knowledge, you just want to get lost in such world, but still fear is it right or not.
Then with lots of hopes, lots of courage, you just get yourself expressed in front of that one. Before you make yourself understand for any kind of answer. But when something despite your expectations come. Specially the silence, you just hang up between everything. Between your expectations, your heart attacks and heart aches your painful smiles and happy tears. You just lose your every ideas about certain aspects. You just hang up between moving forward in this direction or that. Suddenly it seems like your way is now seized and ended. Still you try. But back to back silence brakes you and breaks you.
Still you can’t get over the butterflies when you look at that one’s profile picture. Still you can’t listen bad about them, but it’s okay if you’re scolding. Still you get such unknown anonymous painful smiles and happy tears.
Darling it’s okay, sometimes such people come to make you realize that you can love so deeply so intensely so passionately. Don’t you think this time it’s needed to give such enormous love to yourself??
Either our life is so messed up or our situation, we panic same. We panic so much. In the whirlpool of wrong thoughts we get so abyss, that we forget these are just illusions of mind which are created by the unwanted negativity, unwanted over welcomed negativity. Being more positive is right, but in this way we forget everything has a certain limit. for being so positive, we indirectly become more negative. Do think about it….
So this is the time to ignore such positivity to ignore negativity. & believe me if we can create this we can also destroy this. but the important thing to remember is, “we are neutral souls; some parts of that SUPREME POWER and if that power is neutral then why should we fluctuate”.
I don’t know where i am? In the mid way of life, I am confused I am lost. I lost my identity,my reasons, to explain myself. slowly slowly might be I’m forgetting my values my virtues. Without values without virtues, what is the definition of human life?
Loving someone hard wouldn’t cost it. Cause Love teaches how to live. It teaches how to be alive in the short term life. In fact it is the mantra of life. But, how the mantra get toxic to me?
Like this there are lots of questions in front of me. How I got puzzled in the web of feelings? Where I didn’t want, need any relationships, how could get so trapped in the web of feelings? Is it wrong to feel ? or I choose a wrong one for me? or expecting something in return is my mistake?
In the dark web of such questions I am getting puzzled day by day. I am trying hard to get me. But I’m failing day by day. where and there I’m the culprit of myself as well as of my heart and brain. They always fight with themselves for a person who has no idea about the suffer. for whom they are just the combination of flesh, bone and blood.
False imaginations, intrusive thoughts, blasphemy now killing me everyday. Where I used to be a free bird, now I am the cage for myself. I scold myself, I hate myself, even I beat myself. Where I was so proud of my feelings, now I am ashamed of me. Every time I thought what is the reason behind it? That person or me? To make myself guilt-free,to console me I make that person responsible . But is that person really responsible for it? or my own unwanted expectations?
Where and there loving someone unexpectedly, I expected that one in my life for forever. I imagined him in every sour and sweet moments. Without his permission I made him partner of life and mate of soul. I get used to tell everything about every certain uncertain things of my life. In true words, slowly slowly i get addicted to that one. And dude, “addiction is always harmful”. That’s why I suffered and still suffering. I’m yelling for imagining bad. I’m screaming with blasphemous thoughts. I’m cursing myself everyday. I’m accusing that one as well as myself for that situation. In this journey of loving someone now I’m so far from myself.
I know I’m the culprit of my self-respect, of my self-esteem. Yet I make another one responsible for it to make the load of heart and mind light. Might be i’m wrong. But feeling for someone isn’t. I know expectation is wrong but Love is not.
Without hopes without conditions what will be the definition of something? Then I got something “A journey which has no destination, is destination for itself”.Some journey’s have no destination, still they continues with ups and downs, ifs and buts.
May be I’m the directionless traveler of that destined journey. Still hoping for a happy journey with happy destination.
When you’re in love, you find yourself in them . Little to little details about yourself you just try to search in front person. If you’re an old soul, you can truly relate with it.
But today’s dating culture is completely different. today’s lovebirds just puzzled between their ‘my stuffs’, instead of making each other ‘mine’.Β
But for old soul, love is just a deep feeling to get each-other after every bitter sour moments. It’s about such tiny stuffs when your liking turn into theirs & vice-versa. It’s when you both can lost into each-others eyes for hours. It’s love when you both spend times talking about goals and life without caring it’s day or night. eventually gaps between you both decreases with the increament of love, trust, feelings, rights. It’s when you not only read each others eyes, but also mind & try to understand each others mindset. It’s really beautiful when each-other understand each-other’s untold pain without a glimpse of word.Β
LOVE is rare to find. It’s not easy. May be some of you are lucky to have such person in life. But for rest of you, if you ever meet the person who has only one reason to ignore all your flaws & mistakes then never let them go. Happiness and peace aren’t about the things we can see, it’s all about what we feel. It’s right and physics also says that opposite attracts. But you know, when you start vibing with their tune, then yes, you’re in love man. Love is not only an emotion, It’s the journey from pointing out each other’s mistake privately and rectify it with the every forward step. May be in this journey one day you’ll get yourself in them. And that’s the definition of love.Β
Sometimes, you have lots of stuffs to say. That time you not only get puzzled with such unsaid but also it eats you on daily basis. That time all you need someone listen to you. Itβs seriously so pity when you donβt get anyone to hear you out.
I know how it hurts when you have lots of stuff so to say, but there’s no one to even listen, understand is far enough. You seriously need someone who will listen you and tell you that you’re not alone. You’re not the only one who just stay happy that no one have any idea about your cringe nightmare and loose points. With the confused mind and confused heart you just get messed up day by day. Don’t worry it’s just normal confusion like choosing between a bad person with handsome/beautiful face and good person with average look.
Just say yourself, it’s your break time and remember one thing, it’s okay to being alone. If there’s no one to understand you, there’s also no one to misunderstand you. Being alone can be the best and worst at same time. It’s okay, if you are diplomatic. Take your time. Understand yourself. But don’t forget to ask for help when you need when you want.
In this phase we all are same. We all seek attention. But fails to express, hesitate to explain. We are all in the clutch of such negativity. But it’s upto us, what we choose. There will be someone near you; just like you. Just go, search and exchange thoughts. This time we all worthy of it.
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