I don’t know where i am? In the mid way of life, I am confused I am lost. I lost my identity,my reasons, to explain myself. slowly slowly might be I’m forgetting my values my virtues. Without values without virtues, what is the definition of human life?
Loving someone hard wouldn’t cost it. Cause Love teaches how to live. It teaches how to be alive in the short term life. In fact it is the mantra of life. But, how the mantra get toxic to me?
Like this there are lots of questions in front of me. How I got puzzled in the web of feelings? Where I didn’t want, need any relationships, how could get so trapped in the web of feelings? Is it wrong to feel ? or I choose a wrong one for me? or expecting something in return is my mistake?
In the dark web of such questions I am getting puzzled day by day. I am trying hard to get me. But I’m failing day by day. where and there I’m the culprit of myself as well as of my heart and brain. They always fight with themselves for a person who has no idea about the suffer. for whom they are just the combination of flesh, bone and blood.
False imaginations, intrusive thoughts, blasphemy now killing me everyday. Where I used to be a free bird, now I am the cage for myself. I scold myself, I hate myself, even I beat myself. Where I was so proud of my feelings, now I am ashamed of me. Every time I thought what is the reason behind it? That person or me? To make myself guilt-free,to console me I make that person responsible . But is that person really responsible for it? or my own unwanted expectations?
Where and there loving someone unexpectedly, I expected that one in my life for forever. I imagined him in every sour and sweet moments. Without his permission I made him partner of life and mate of soul. I get used to tell everything about every certain uncertain things of my life. In true words, slowly slowly i get addicted to that one. And dude, “addiction is always harmful”. That’s why I suffered and still suffering. I’m yelling for imagining bad. I’m screaming with blasphemous thoughts. I’m cursing myself everyday. I’m accusing that one as well as myself for that situation. In this journey of loving someone now I’m so far from myself.
I know I’m the culprit of my self-respect, of my self-esteem. Yet I make another one responsible for it to make the load of heart and mind light. Might be i’m wrong. But feeling for someone isn’t. I know expectation is wrong but Love is not.
Without hopes without conditions what will be the definition of something? Then I got something “A journey which has no destination, is destination for itself”.Some journey’s have no destination, still they continues with ups and downs, ifs and buts.
May be I’m the directionless traveler of that destined journey. Still hoping for a happy journey with happy destination.
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